A Broken Heart Cries For Love.

Dear Anomynous,

How do I say this. I have been thinking about the proper way to lay this on you for months now, and I still haven't found it, but I have to tell you now, instead of later, because I don't want to keep falling down this endless black hole. You know I'm not the one to share my feelings with anyone. Usually I just keep my emotions bottled up inside, and just keep a smile on my face and go on with the day, but this time I can't, especially with you.

As you may or may not know, since others have been telling me that I am making it obvious, and that they can tell, that I have been and still am falling for you. Now hold on, don't get scared, because I don't think I'm falling in love with you, atleast I hope not, all I know is that I am falling for you in some sort of way. I know this is bad, that I'm not supposed to feel this way at all, that we're supposed to be best friends forever, and that I'm supposed to always be there for you. Well I still am here for you, and I will always be; because, quite honestly, your all that I got. You mean the world to me, and without you in my life I don't know how I would manage. Your the only person in the world I would do anything for, absolutely anything. For example: Go to another state to help you move back, or to another country if you went to school in London, or get finished working a ten hour shift (12 am-10 am) and two nights of no sleep and still go to your house, rotate your tires, and help wash your car, or stick up for you, and risk destroying a close friendship, just to show I gave a damn about ours. The list goes on, and on. Basically what my point was I have done, and will do, absolutely, anything for you.

If your asking yourself, "Why, how, what did I possibly do to make him feel like this?" Then we're definitely on the same page, because I don't have a clue. I thought it's because I see you or hang out with you too much, so I try not hanging out with you for a week, but then my mind starts wondering and then i start writing poems, not knowing at first what they're about or who they're about, like "The Mysterious Woman", until they're finished, and the majority of the time its about you. Then when I see you again, for the first time in a week or two, it's like seeing the sun for the first time, or watching a meteor shower for the first time. I can't help it, I start smiling. Thats when you ask me," Why are you smiling so much?" and I just simply reply," Oh no reason."

I absolutely love spending time with you, your the only person that I can sit down and do absolutely nothing with, and still have a ball. No matter what you and I do, we make the best out of it, and I absolutely love that. I love the fact that you have no shame of picking out your Imperfections, like your, " Jay Leno chin" or your, "Jewish nose". Because of that, because of those Imperfections, thats what makes you perfect, to me. It's to the point that I can't listen to a love song with out thinking about what me and you could be like if I told you how I feel, but samething happens whenever I listen to a sad song aswell. Thats why I've been feeling kind of ancy telling you this.

Look, before you start considering to stop talking to me, this is not a note or letter to get you to like me, or make you my woman, or anything like that. I would love if it happened, but I'm no fool, and I know it's more than likely it won't. Infact I am 95% sure you don't even feel slightly the same that I feel for you, and I am absolutely fine with that. Like I said before, I am not looking to make you my girl, or anything that resembles that. I just had to get this off my chest, out of my head, before I went crazy. I read your blog, like always, and I would be lying if I said I didn't wish, hope, and pray every night that #1 was about me, but I know that it's more than likely #4.

So listen, I love you, and I know you love me. Might not be in the sameway that I want, but I'm okay with that. I'd rather have a little something than nothing at all. I hope #1 realizes what he has, and who he has, and that he will treat you perfect.

I'll be there for you through thick and thin, to help you with things other people cant or won't. You still got me.

Love always and forever,
Me.


P.s.
You're still my Ride or Die Chick. :p

The Mysterious Woman

Her beauty is an unsolved mystery

Yes, physically she is amazing

But her personality is untamed and crazy

Which will make you keep chasing

Because, just maybe, she does everything you want to do, but cant

And you just find that so interesting

Her smile is bright

Like a crystal when you put it in sunlight

There isn't anything better to steal your sight

Her skin is like a ruby or a gem

It is full of color and glistens when you stare from a distance

As beautiful as a rose

Yet, as bold as the the thorns she holds

She isn't afraid to let her feelings be known

When she is happy its like watching the sunrise

And watching the sunset, you just have to stand there and stare for a minute

Realize the beauty that is held within it

But when she is sad or is depressed

Its like a winter night, when the air is crisp and cold

When your not getting enough air, so your taking deeper breaths

Desperately looking for someone to hold through the cold winter snow

The kind of weather when you cant fill your lips or the top of your finger tips

A kind of winter that you would like to forget

But then she is back like the season of spring

And all you see are beautiful things blossoming

Which shows you that she is happy constantly

Because she doesnt allow thing to get to her for long

Its just another page in her book of mysteries

A book that she closely holds full of stories that are being written

But will never be told

She is the storm that passes your home that keeps you wondering why its soothing to your soul

Is it the cry of the lightning, or the roar of the thunder

How long are you planning on making me wonder?

If It Kills Me- Jason Mraz

Hello, tell me you know

Yeah, you figured me out

Something gave it away

And it would be such a beautiful moment

To see the look on your face

To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking

You know nothing

Cause you and I

Why, we go carrying on for hours, on and

We get along much better

Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you

A kind much closer than friends use

But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me

As the feeling inside keeps building

And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

Well how long, can I go on like this,

Wishing to kiss you,

Before I rightly explode?

This double life I lead isn't healthy for me

In fact it makes me nervous

If I get caught I could be risking it all

Baby there's a lot that I miss

In case I'm wrong

Well all I really wanna do is love you

A kind much closer than friends use

But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me

As the feeling inside keeps building

And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

If I should be so bold

I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand

Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man

But I never said a word

I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you

A kind much closer than friends use

But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me

As the feeling inside keeps building

And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

If it kills me

I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me

It's a feeling inside that keeps building

And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

If it kills me

It might kill me.

that song sums up everything.

The Definition of Undefine

AAHHHHHH I dont know what to doo.
im lost and confused.

I wanna do what my hearts telling me
but my brain is telling me something different.

which path do you follow when there's a fork in the road?

when one path will lead you to a road, where you will regret not siezing what you really want
And the other leads you to a path of uncertainty, which will, more than likely, have you end up with shattered hopes and shattered dreams.

This is the one dream that I wish would become a reality for me, but more than likely will stay in my fantasies.

I need to write a new poem, and get over it. My poems is how I let myself go, and be free.

If its a broken part replace it
If its a broken arm then brace it
If its a broken heart then face it...
The hold your own, know your name, and go your own way.

The Fisherman

Today was a wonderful day, I pulled an all nighter playing Grand Theft Auto 4. Damn game is too difficult. Well anyways, I was playing that game and my best friend, came out the room and he said, Isiah said he'll be here in 10 minutes, I thought to myself and said, "Who the hell is Isiah?" He said,"The damn church guy." That's when I knew he meant Antonio, a man that I work with. He has been trying to get me to go to his church for months now, and keep telling him I'll go, but I'd call off last moment, it came to the point of when I last work with him he made me right down my last address and he told me, " I'm not even gonna call, I'll just show up at your door, and drag you." That's what he did. He Knocked on my front door, turned off my game, and sat down on the couch as I got ready to go. It was pretty funny.

On the way to church we talked about work, and everything. We get inside the church and all of a sudden I got a giant smile on my face, I felt as if I was lost and sea, and I finally made it to land for the first time in years. I felt at home. There was a man in there preaching today, he was a missionary from South Africa, talking about his story, telling us even though he was raised by hate, and believed in Muslim religion, and didn't have a clue who God was, God still watched over him, protected him, loved him. If you think about it, that's amazing, to have someone who you don't even know watch over you and love you as their child. Later on during the service he asked all people who feel lost, needing something, someone, who ever is missing something in their lives come up to the stage and they'll pray. I was the first person off my seat, usually I'm shy at things like that, I'm never the first person to stand, hell most of the time I won't even get up. This time I did. The Preacher comes up to me first, looks at me and smiles, puts his hand on my head and said, "I'm not going to even act like I know whats going on in your life, or who you are, because I don't, but God does, and he told me to tell you, don't worry about your job, don't worry about your house situation, don't worry about your family, your grand parents, don't worry about your future, give it all up to the lord and all of it will be okay, believe in him to handle it, and all of your problems will be solved. God is the Fisherman, and your his prized fish, he'll catch you and keep you next to him at all times. Just let it all out." At this point I was in tears, on my knees, crying my eyes out. This man right here, just named absolutely EVERYTHING I am having trouble with, everything, things nobody knows that I'm having problems with, he named it all, a man who doesn't even know my first name just summed up all my life problems at the moment. If that's not a miracle, then I don't know what is. What also shocked me was that he said, "God is the Fisherman" Because I was starting to write a poem last night, about a fisherman, but I couldn't finish it, yet he quoted it. I don't know I was amazed. well that's it basically. I'm going back there next Sunday, and I'm dragging my friends there with me. It won't be hard though, since there is nothing but beautiful women there from our age up. My unfinished poem is going to be under here, so please enjoy what I got I don't even think it makes since yet, but enjoy!

A man fishes at sea tell he gets the perfect cast, and catches that perfect fish, he'll remain pleased. A boy will continue fishing and keeps catching more than he needs, until his boat sinks with Greed.

Simperfy Do Or Die. Honor and Respect

Its been a while since I last posted a blog on here. Which is weird since, lately I've been going through a lot. Well the last time I posted a blog was when I first met my father. I've seen him a couple of times since then, and in fact, in a couple of weeks I am going to Denver Colorado to see the rest of my family on his side, I am kind of excited, kind of scared, and I kind of don't care. We'll just see what happens when I get there.

I have a job now at Pavillions. Been working there for 3 months now, I hate this job, but oh well. Money is money.

Also in the past few days, we, as in the world, has had to deal with the death of the Legend, Michael Jackson. This man was the definition of a legend. There never ever was and never ever will be who will come close to the legacy that this man had. This man was music, and his death was a huge loss to all the world. Rest In Paradise Michael Jackson










The main reason of why I am inspired of writing this blog is because for a couple of years now, three to be exact, I've been pondering in my head the option of joining the Marines. As of right now, I honestly believe I should give it a shot. I don't believe I am supposed to be working at a grocery store for the rest of my life, but honestly I don't know what I am supposed to be, or what I want to be anymore. For my whole life practically I thought I will be a football player, coach, or anything that has to do with football, so I made my life football, but it took me a little time to realize that I was chasing the dreams of a child, but now it's time for me to wake up, and walk the life of a man. I'm not at where I thought I'd always be at, yet i don't even know where I'd want to be at right now. I don't even really know who I am yet. My whole life I've just been doing what people wanted me to do, I walked down the path where everyone wanted me to be, I feel like I've been living my life for others, instead of living for myself and I'm tired of it. I dont know why, but I believe that at this point of my life, I believe the road that I'm headed on leads to the military.
I dont know, what I'm saying anymore, I'm just a lost and confused 19 year old boy, living the life of a grown man.

If you got any advice then please give it to me, Lord knows I need it.

Knock Knock It's Daddy.

Well for whoever reads this thing. I haven't been on here in weeks. In those weeks I have had a lot happened to me. The Most important thing is that I finally met my father for the first time in my life. I'm 19 now by the way, and I just met the other half of me. Honestly when I first saw him, I didn't know what to make of my emotions towards him. Part of me hated the fact of him just now showing up in my life, after 19 years, he's just now showed up, after countless years of me wondering 'wheres daddy?' as a child, crying at night when i was a kid, because i thought the reason he isn't in my life was because of me, and now that same man, after all those years of no contact, no messages, or anything was in my home. I was infuriated none the less. Yet the other half of me wants to embrace it, wants me to welcome him with open arms, bring him back in my life, give him the chance to be the father I never had, give him a chance to clear his slate. As you can see I was very confused about my emotions towards this man. So what I did was told him straight up, when he asked me, "Whats going through your head right now?" I simply replied, " I want to hit you, I want to hit you right in the jaw." When i said that he looked at me with a slight grin and then said, "Well if you believe that's what you need to do and that what I deserve, then do it. I mean I'm not going to lie, I deserve for you guys to hate me, I mean there was a certain time when I hated myself for not being in your life, even now there are times when I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror, because every time I do, I see how horribly I treated your mother, and then I see you two, my twin brother and I." Now when a man says something like that, I'm sorry but it's pretty hard to want to punch the man anymore. Moments after that we, my brother my newly found father and I, went to Dennys to sit down and talk some more. Thats when I basically opened up and told him every mixed emotion that I felt about him in the past 19 years, and trust me they were not good emotions. Most of the time he stood there shocked of everything I said, hell even I was shocked about the things I was telling him. Originally I refused to even meet the guy and now im opening up to him.
Finally, I ask him the big final question, why? why did he leave us? why did you abandon your family before we were even born. Why? His reasons for leaving was, from what he said, He was an immature kid, only about 22 at the time but acted like an 18 year old. He didn't have a solid home, he was moving from his car into his parents house back into his car. He had a job that payed him $1200 a month, and he was already paying child support for another kid. He was an alcoholic and had anger issues. In simpler terms, he just wasn't ready to step up to the plate and be a man, is it a solid excuse? I don't think so, but atleast I know now why he left.
He also said that within the two years he realized he made a big mistake on leaving us, and even though that it wasn't his number one goal on his list he still wanted to try and be in our lives.
Then I asked him how come he never attempted on contacting us, how come I never heard from him, he said that he did attempt to contact us, but everytime he tried he was always one apartment complex behind. He said that we moved a lot and it was hard to keep track of where we were going next, but one time he did finally caught up with us, and he found out that my twin brother and I were trying out for football for the first time, so he sent us cleats. I remember that, I was in the third grade.
Basically after hour whole 5 hour conversation, i forgave him. I'm going to give him a shot to make up for the things he did, his mistakes.

Thats the whole father situation. Now I have a new problem... :/


I believe I'm falling for someone that I'm absolutely not supposed to, but I can't help it. I'm trying to make these feelings go away, but I can't. The feeling I get when I think about her Isn't the feeling that I'm supposed to get. These emotions are tanted and I don't know what to. I just need a break. haha...


If I should be so bold I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man but I never said I would I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again
All I really wanna do is love you A kind much closer than friends use But I still can't say it after all we've been through And all I really want from you is to feel me As the feeling inside keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me, If it kills me, If it kills me, I think it might kill me.

Weekend Warrior.

Well first off I'm happy to say that my friend Cassie is perfectly fine. I spoke to her yesterday, she's at home recovering, and she is doing well. I am unbelievably happy to see/hear that. :)

Also, yesterday I finally came back from Las Vegas. I had a great time staying there at my best friend, Rebecca, house. We rocked out all week, acting out parts of songs and what not every night. Every night we also watched a movie, some great movies like: Garden state, which I loved, and some others which I can't remember. In fact the only bad movie we watched all week was, The Talented Mr. Ripley. I seriously could have gone on the rest of my life without seeing that movie; in fact, my life would have been better if I didn't see it. The movie is just to weird for me, and its giving homosexuals a bad name. No I'm not gay, i just dont have a problem with anyone love another person, no matter the gender. Anyways, I had a great time there with her, having dinner, playing games, putting up puzzles, even driving back was a blast, since we both were rocking out to Paramore in the car for four hours. haha.
We didn't actually get home tell 4:30 a.m. and we left at 11: 45ish.

I didn't fall asleep tell around 5:30 and I woke up at 10:00 because im a insomniac, and well thats just what I do. At about 11:00 a.m. i called my good friend Leann Love Maldonado and asked her if she wanted to hang out. She came and picked me up at 12 and we went to the galleria to try and find a pink dodger jersey for her. While we were there, she told me that she is having boy problems with this guy, my good friend, Jack. Let me tell you something about these two. I don't think I have ever seen two people who are this helplessly inlove with one another and won't admit it. They aren't going out, but they might as well be. It is rare to see one without the other, but they just call themselves "best friends".
Well anyways back to the problem. A random girl at school asked Jack why does he always spend time with Leann, and he simply said, "because she buys me things and she loves him." He made it seem like he uses her. I'm guessing he felt bad that he said that, so he goes and tells Leann. Leann was Appauled on the fact he would say something like that instead of saything the simple answer, "Beacause i love spending time with her." She was pissed off at him, because he always does something to fuck things up, and she is over it. He's been apologizing ever since and telling her he realizes that he loves her and his life isn't anything with out her. She asked me for advise on the situation, me being the sap that I am, I simply told her to forgive him, but tell him not to tell you he loves you, because to her it sounds like he is just throwing the word around without any meaning, because if he really meant those words he will be dying to prove it to her. So she did do exactly what I told her, and he is trying to prove that he loves her. After that conversation I went to her cousins house, did nothing and went home.
Yeah thats basically what my weekend consisted of. I had alot of fun.

"Poetry is man's rebellion against being what he is." ~ James Branch Cabell

Eventually all stars die.

Tonight I was lying in bed with my best friend Rebecca, and we were having our usual talks about random things before we each fall asleep. Tonight, somehow, we ended up on the subject on the fact that I cant cry, that it is nearly impossible for me to cry. She simply said, "Its because you're numb. Eventually something is going to happen to make you cry, to get you off that horrible cycle." Let me remind you, I didn't even cry at my Great Grand Fathers Funeral. The man who took care of me the majority of my child hood.

Allow me to bring you back to two days ago. I wrote a poem called "The Night When The Star Left The Moon." It's about someone you love, that once meant the world to you, dying. Not necessarily death, more like the person changing into something you can barely recognize anymore, It depends on the way you look at it, the way you interpretate it with your life.

The reason why im saying all this is because i found out that my ex girlfriend, that i dated for two years, got hit by an SUV two days ago, around the same time i wrote my poem, and i found out this news hours after Rebecca told me that something would happen, and I would cry.
Well I guess she was write, because the moment I found out, I started crying, and I still am crying even after a couple of hours had past.

I come to find out that her skull is cracked, and her brain is swelling, as well as she has a cuncussion, and other injuries to her head, hip, legs and arms. Her docter said that her condition is getting a lot better and she is recovering well, but she will need therapy, and a good amount of time to heal.
I wish I could be there right now, to be able to help her in her time of need, but I'm not. The most I can do is pray for her, and have others join me in prayer for her safe recovery and her well-being.

No I'm not accusing Rebecca jynxed it in anyway by saying the things she said, and nor did I with my poem I wrote. It was just a weird coinsidence, and a bad turn of fate/luck.

Well i thought i should just share that with you.

By the way heres my poem incase you were wondering. For whoever reads these blogs:

The Night When The Star Left The Moon.

When I stare at the stars Burning so Bright

Without a cloud in sight

It reminds me of the passion

The love that once burned in your eyes

I'd do anything to look into those eyes again

Those eyes that told me everything

Every emotion you kept hidden

Every time your mouth moved i wouldn't listen

But when your eyes shined I payed very close attention

Because when your mouth moved You would say things you wouldn't mean

But when your eyes shined

Then it was something i could believe.

But that was so long agoI was once the moon that shined next to you

So bright, So fullBut like all stars, the fire died

So did the passion, the love, that twinkle in your eyes

Now I'm left to light up the sky at night.

With out you, here, by my side

I have a feeling this night might not be so bright.