Knock Knock It's Daddy.

Well for whoever reads this thing. I haven't been on here in weeks. In those weeks I have had a lot happened to me. The Most important thing is that I finally met my father for the first time in my life. I'm 19 now by the way, and I just met the other half of me. Honestly when I first saw him, I didn't know what to make of my emotions towards him. Part of me hated the fact of him just now showing up in my life, after 19 years, he's just now showed up, after countless years of me wondering 'wheres daddy?' as a child, crying at night when i was a kid, because i thought the reason he isn't in my life was because of me, and now that same man, after all those years of no contact, no messages, or anything was in my home. I was infuriated none the less. Yet the other half of me wants to embrace it, wants me to welcome him with open arms, bring him back in my life, give him the chance to be the father I never had, give him a chance to clear his slate. As you can see I was very confused about my emotions towards this man. So what I did was told him straight up, when he asked me, "Whats going through your head right now?" I simply replied, " I want to hit you, I want to hit you right in the jaw." When i said that he looked at me with a slight grin and then said, "Well if you believe that's what you need to do and that what I deserve, then do it. I mean I'm not going to lie, I deserve for you guys to hate me, I mean there was a certain time when I hated myself for not being in your life, even now there are times when I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror, because every time I do, I see how horribly I treated your mother, and then I see you two, my twin brother and I." Now when a man says something like that, I'm sorry but it's pretty hard to want to punch the man anymore. Moments after that we, my brother my newly found father and I, went to Dennys to sit down and talk some more. Thats when I basically opened up and told him every mixed emotion that I felt about him in the past 19 years, and trust me they were not good emotions. Most of the time he stood there shocked of everything I said, hell even I was shocked about the things I was telling him. Originally I refused to even meet the guy and now im opening up to him.
Finally, I ask him the big final question, why? why did he leave us? why did you abandon your family before we were even born. Why? His reasons for leaving was, from what he said, He was an immature kid, only about 22 at the time but acted like an 18 year old. He didn't have a solid home, he was moving from his car into his parents house back into his car. He had a job that payed him $1200 a month, and he was already paying child support for another kid. He was an alcoholic and had anger issues. In simpler terms, he just wasn't ready to step up to the plate and be a man, is it a solid excuse? I don't think so, but atleast I know now why he left.
He also said that within the two years he realized he made a big mistake on leaving us, and even though that it wasn't his number one goal on his list he still wanted to try and be in our lives.
Then I asked him how come he never attempted on contacting us, how come I never heard from him, he said that he did attempt to contact us, but everytime he tried he was always one apartment complex behind. He said that we moved a lot and it was hard to keep track of where we were going next, but one time he did finally caught up with us, and he found out that my twin brother and I were trying out for football for the first time, so he sent us cleats. I remember that, I was in the third grade.
Basically after hour whole 5 hour conversation, i forgave him. I'm going to give him a shot to make up for the things he did, his mistakes.

Thats the whole father situation. Now I have a new problem... :/


I believe I'm falling for someone that I'm absolutely not supposed to, but I can't help it. I'm trying to make these feelings go away, but I can't. The feeling I get when I think about her Isn't the feeling that I'm supposed to get. These emotions are tanted and I don't know what to. I just need a break. haha...


If I should be so bold I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man but I never said I would I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again
All I really wanna do is love you A kind much closer than friends use But I still can't say it after all we've been through And all I really want from you is to feel me As the feeling inside keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me, If it kills me, If it kills me, I think it might kill me.