The Power to Change The World One Word At a Time.

I posted this on my Myspace.

"There is no man without sin. Everyone has their own demons, so to speak. There is no sin greater nor better than another, a sin is a sin. So why do we past judgement on people, just because their sins are different from our own? Why do we hate people, just because they love differently then us.Why do we worry so much about what the other person is doing wrong, instead of what they're doing right? In the bible it says, We are all God's children and for us to love everyone, for they are our brothers and sisters, and not to past judgement on one another. I believe that we should all live our own life, and not worry about anyone else. Don't worry about who someone else loves, whether if its a girl, or boy, worry about who you love. Don't worry about how people choose to spend their spare time, Worry about what you're going to do with yours. Don't worry about who the other person is becoming, worry about who you became. Love who you want, dont worry what they think. Live life how you choose, dont fall into the social bubble of a life everyone else want you to live. Be who you are, not who they want. Believe in yourself, and not what they believe."

Moments later I get a message from my friend Juan Flores. He Brought up some good points in our conversation.

Juan: Suppose you have a kid, would you now worry about what hi is doing ? Suppose you were a mom, would you not worry what he is doing? Suppose a brothre in the Lord was in sin, would you not worry about what he is doing, or would you LOVE enough to call him out. What is the differrence between judging someone, and stating a fact?

Me: There is a very thin life from calling someone out because you love them, and judging them. To me the difference is, pointing out that what they did was wrong, and letting them figure out how they'd like to handle it on their own, or Bashing them for something they did wrong, and forcing your views and beliefs down their throat. Their is a difference between being there for someone, and forcing someone into being the way you want them to be.If I was a father, and my teenage son/daughter was doing something wrong, I'd talk to them and let them know they did something wrong, then let them go on and handle the situation on their own, because I trust in them, I trust my parenting, and I trust I raised them good enough to know the difference from wrong and right, and how to own up to their own mistakes.

Juan: Jesus's deciples always got it wrong. Jesus rebuked them in Love and helped them understand how to change there ways. It is not biblical to just point someone else there mistake, and not guide them/ help them. Jesus did not just rebuke his followeres but walked with them. He helped them figure it out ! i got more to say but I have to go.
Sorry one more thing, guiding someone, or sharing your views is not forcing your beleives down someone throth. You have to be careful in the way you do it because this can possibly happen. Actually I think it does happen more than we realize.

Me: I know what you mean, but you can walk down the path with someone if they're not willing to walk it themselves. If they're not willing to change, then you can't change them. But I never said you shouldn't be there for them, if they asked. If someone wants to be helped, then help them, love them, guide them. But if they dont want your help, and choose to keep walking down their path, then keep walking down your own. Hopefully they will eventually see, the way you live your life. The happiness, joy, love that you have,and realize that you are right, and come under their own will, when there ready.I also never said you shouldn't share your views, just said not to shove them down their throat. For example: Taking a teenager to church, when he/she has no excitement of going, and never did. My view is, if they dont wanna go, then don't make them. Eventually, they will get tired of being lonely Sunday mornings, and wonder about what are they missing, and how come they're missing out with the hole family, thats when they'll go. I know thats when I did.


Thats it. He has responded.

I just thought I should share that to whom ever is reading this.

Remove Your Pressure From My Lungs, It's Getting Hard To Breathe.

I have been frustrated for a while now, I just have to get a few things off my chest. First off for you who think that you know me, you don't; because honestly, how can you know someone who doesn't know themselves? You can't, so you don't, stop acting like you do. For you who say, I smoke Black and Mild's to look or act cool, then you obviously don't know me, because the last thing I'd do or care about is trying to please people around me. I smoke those because I have a lot of stress in my life that I have went through and still am going through.

For you who do not know this, I lived in the ghetto for most of my life where it wasn't safe to go out at night, where you sleep to gunshots, with cockroaches every night, where your idols, father figures were gang members who taught you how to steal and defend yourself, how to survive. Where everyday was a constant struggle to stay a live. I was abused by my mother from the time i was a kid, tell I was 16 years old, and got kicked out my house. I've been beat with just about anything you can think of, bungee cords, extension wires, pots pans, back end of knives, punched, slapped, scratched, hangars, hell i was tied up in my closet, hands tied unto the hangar rack and got beat like a slave. On top of that, My brother and I were the only father figures my little brother and little sister had in their lives. At the age of four I had to learn how to become a man, cook dinner, change diapers, etc. Mainly because my mother wasn't home, she was always out trying to find a way to bring money home so we can have a place to live. Even then, we were homeless for half of my life. No family to turn to. My Grand parents, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, They all didn't and still don't give a shit about my family. We have always been on our own. There were no fathers in our lives growing up at all. My dad was in Denver, he was an asshole, didn't want to help us out in our need of help. Same thing with my little brothers and sisters father, he was a deadbeat dad. Only came around when he needed help. So the only person to play daddy that was around was my brother and I. My mother was suicidal for a little while, so I didn't know which day we were going to have a mother or not. So sorry if I act like a child now, at the age of 19. I never really had a childhood. Always was too worried about where we were going to live next and how were we going to feed my brothers and sisters to be thinking about a childhood. So I'm trying to live a little now, is that so bad? I'm happy to say I don't live in the ghetto anymore, and my brothers and sisters don't have to grow up the way I did.

Now I live with my best friend who puts me down everyday, he sometime says he's kidding, or he does it because I can handle it, I think it's because he can't cope with the person he's slowly turning himself into, in which to some degree, he agrees. I could careless about what he says because words don't hurt me. Whatever helps him sleep at night, I'm just worried for him, and trying to help him turn from the road his walking. His mother must think I am a retard or something. Just to inform you, in high school, I took an IQ test, to see if i needed to be moved to special classes, and i tested barely below Genius. They said, "With my intelligence level, I should be graduating early, if not graduated already. The only reason why I'm not is because I'm lazy and I just don't give a fuck." Those are the exact words of my principal and counselor, No one knows about this except for my mother, because I'm not too proud of this moment. The point of me telling you this is to obviously point out the fact that I am much smarter than what I get credit for. That's the way I wanted it, back in my younger days. I figured if everyone found out I was smart, I'd lose my popularity. Now I know popularity doesn't mean shit in the real world, and that was a huge mistake I made. I'm not an idiot, I just made a few idiotic mistakes. She just seems too believe I am a complete utter idiot or something, the way she talks down at me, the way she tries to take advantage of my kindness, and my will to help out however much I can. She takes over, about 122 dollars from me a week, and complains on how there's no food, how the bills aren't paid, how we might get evicted. The income coming into this household is over 4,500 dollars a month, our rent is 1,250, electricity is about 250-500 a month, depending on the season, cable 130, gas 20-50. That barely adds up to half of the income in this house. The Majority of the money goes to her. Where the hell does it all go? Who knows, but she tries to place the blame on us 19-20 year old's, and it's really starting to get old, Fast.

My brother, actually with everyone. No matter what I do, I can not get there respect. I kill myself everyday to try and gain their respect. I work myself into the ground, working a job I can't stand, and is really difficult. They look at me as if my job is easy, and I need to do more. I would absolutely love to see them try to go to my work and do my job. They would quit within the first week. Guaranteed. The average someone lasts at my position is 3 weeks. I've been working there for over 5 months. I work 40 hour shifts every week and bust my ass for piece of shit paychecks that I can never spend. I either get asked for all of my money, or it gets stolen from my wallet while I'm sleeping because I just got off of a 9 hour shift. Yet, I don't say a word, because if I do, then everyone will come and attack me. It's just problems I just don't want, so I avoid them.
I'm going into the marines with Brad. No one knows, except for brad. I'd like to keep it that way. I've been wanting to join the marines since I was a kid, I never did because I have always been told that I would be disowned by my family. Now I see that is a big joke. I've been disowned by my family years ago. Nothing more than can do to me then what they already have. My mother and brother is the only family I got.

On top of all this I'm in love with a woman that I'm afraid to tell that I am, because I'm deathly afraid that if I do, she'll never speak to me again, and honestly she is all I have that's good going for me, so I can't lose her so I remain silent. My best friend, Brad, tells me constantly, "It's just because I don't see that many women lately, so I'm going to start falling for the first one that shows me affection. I just need to try not to like her." Look, I don't settle just because, I'm just not that type of person. I tried to stop liking her, and I still try today. It doesn't work. I know she loves me, just not the same way, and I respect her for that. She hardly shows any real affection, we don't hug too long, we don't cuddle, we don't flirt, we don't do things that average best friends do, besides hang out twice a week and be there for one another. When we're in need, we're there. What more can a best friend have? She is a beautiful and intelligent woman. I guess you can say that I look up to her. She is the only 20 year old I know that's embracing becoming a grown up. That knows who she is, exactly what she wants to be, and how to get there, and nobody can get in the way of her goals. She is one the strongest and greatest woman I know. I love her for that.

What I'm trying to say, the whole point of this letter, is don't judge me until you walked a mile in my shoes. Until you know whats going in my life, in my head. I smoke Black and Mild's everyday and drink every weekend to deal with the stress I have from everyday life. People who has been through what I've been through in life are out there doing drugs, meth, cocaine, popping pills, gangs. I just smoke cigars and drink every now and then. I know, that's know excuse, I should just be strong. To you who say that, I have to words for you. Fuck you. Go through what I go through, then say that.
Sorry to spill my heart to you, I just had to let go some emotions out, and feeling in the air.

I guess you can say I'm your average problem child.

Oh yeah by the way, my mother and I have a wonderful relationship now, before it was horrible. Now me and her are wonderful, she apologizes everyday for what she has done to me. I tell her, don't worry about it because of what you did, I'm stronger than most men, I can handle more than what most people can handle. I love her to death, even though I will never do to my kids what she's done to me though. We all know what she did wasn't right, and those mistakes will never happen again.

A Broken Heart Cries For Love.

Dear Anomynous,

How do I say this. I have been thinking about the proper way to lay this on you for months now, and I still haven't found it, but I have to tell you now, instead of later, because I don't want to keep falling down this endless black hole. You know I'm not the one to share my feelings with anyone. Usually I just keep my emotions bottled up inside, and just keep a smile on my face and go on with the day, but this time I can't, especially with you.

As you may or may not know, since others have been telling me that I am making it obvious, and that they can tell, that I have been and still am falling for you. Now hold on, don't get scared, because I don't think I'm falling in love with you, atleast I hope not, all I know is that I am falling for you in some sort of way. I know this is bad, that I'm not supposed to feel this way at all, that we're supposed to be best friends forever, and that I'm supposed to always be there for you. Well I still am here for you, and I will always be; because, quite honestly, your all that I got. You mean the world to me, and without you in my life I don't know how I would manage. Your the only person in the world I would do anything for, absolutely anything. For example: Go to another state to help you move back, or to another country if you went to school in London, or get finished working a ten hour shift (12 am-10 am) and two nights of no sleep and still go to your house, rotate your tires, and help wash your car, or stick up for you, and risk destroying a close friendship, just to show I gave a damn about ours. The list goes on, and on. Basically what my point was I have done, and will do, absolutely, anything for you.

If your asking yourself, "Why, how, what did I possibly do to make him feel like this?" Then we're definitely on the same page, because I don't have a clue. I thought it's because I see you or hang out with you too much, so I try not hanging out with you for a week, but then my mind starts wondering and then i start writing poems, not knowing at first what they're about or who they're about, like "The Mysterious Woman", until they're finished, and the majority of the time its about you. Then when I see you again, for the first time in a week or two, it's like seeing the sun for the first time, or watching a meteor shower for the first time. I can't help it, I start smiling. Thats when you ask me," Why are you smiling so much?" and I just simply reply," Oh no reason."

I absolutely love spending time with you, your the only person that I can sit down and do absolutely nothing with, and still have a ball. No matter what you and I do, we make the best out of it, and I absolutely love that. I love the fact that you have no shame of picking out your Imperfections, like your, " Jay Leno chin" or your, "Jewish nose". Because of that, because of those Imperfections, thats what makes you perfect, to me. It's to the point that I can't listen to a love song with out thinking about what me and you could be like if I told you how I feel, but samething happens whenever I listen to a sad song aswell. Thats why I've been feeling kind of ancy telling you this.

Look, before you start considering to stop talking to me, this is not a note or letter to get you to like me, or make you my woman, or anything like that. I would love if it happened, but I'm no fool, and I know it's more than likely it won't. Infact I am 95% sure you don't even feel slightly the same that I feel for you, and I am absolutely fine with that. Like I said before, I am not looking to make you my girl, or anything that resembles that. I just had to get this off my chest, out of my head, before I went crazy. I read your blog, like always, and I would be lying if I said I didn't wish, hope, and pray every night that #1 was about me, but I know that it's more than likely #4.

So listen, I love you, and I know you love me. Might not be in the sameway that I want, but I'm okay with that. I'd rather have a little something than nothing at all. I hope #1 realizes what he has, and who he has, and that he will treat you perfect.

I'll be there for you through thick and thin, to help you with things other people cant or won't. You still got me.

Love always and forever,
Me.


P.s.
You're still my Ride or Die Chick. :p

The Mysterious Woman

Her beauty is an unsolved mystery

Yes, physically she is amazing

But her personality is untamed and crazy

Which will make you keep chasing

Because, just maybe, she does everything you want to do, but cant

And you just find that so interesting

Her smile is bright

Like a crystal when you put it in sunlight

There isn't anything better to steal your sight

Her skin is like a ruby or a gem

It is full of color and glistens when you stare from a distance

As beautiful as a rose

Yet, as bold as the the thorns she holds

She isn't afraid to let her feelings be known

When she is happy its like watching the sunrise

And watching the sunset, you just have to stand there and stare for a minute

Realize the beauty that is held within it

But when she is sad or is depressed

Its like a winter night, when the air is crisp and cold

When your not getting enough air, so your taking deeper breaths

Desperately looking for someone to hold through the cold winter snow

The kind of weather when you cant fill your lips or the top of your finger tips

A kind of winter that you would like to forget

But then she is back like the season of spring

And all you see are beautiful things blossoming

Which shows you that she is happy constantly

Because she doesnt allow thing to get to her for long

Its just another page in her book of mysteries

A book that she closely holds full of stories that are being written

But will never be told

She is the storm that passes your home that keeps you wondering why its soothing to your soul

Is it the cry of the lightning, or the roar of the thunder

How long are you planning on making me wonder?

If It Kills Me- Jason Mraz

Hello, tell me you know

Yeah, you figured me out

Something gave it away

And it would be such a beautiful moment

To see the look on your face

To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking

You know nothing

Cause you and I

Why, we go carrying on for hours, on and

We get along much better

Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you

A kind much closer than friends use

But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me

As the feeling inside keeps building

And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

Well how long, can I go on like this,

Wishing to kiss you,

Before I rightly explode?

This double life I lead isn't healthy for me

In fact it makes me nervous

If I get caught I could be risking it all

Baby there's a lot that I miss

In case I'm wrong

Well all I really wanna do is love you

A kind much closer than friends use

But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me

As the feeling inside keeps building

And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

If I should be so bold

I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand

Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man

But I never said a word

I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you

A kind much closer than friends use

But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me

As the feeling inside keeps building

And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

If it kills me

I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me

It's a feeling inside that keeps building

And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

If it kills me

It might kill me.

that song sums up everything.

The Definition of Undefine

AAHHHHHH I dont know what to doo.
im lost and confused.

I wanna do what my hearts telling me
but my brain is telling me something different.

which path do you follow when there's a fork in the road?

when one path will lead you to a road, where you will regret not siezing what you really want
And the other leads you to a path of uncertainty, which will, more than likely, have you end up with shattered hopes and shattered dreams.

This is the one dream that I wish would become a reality for me, but more than likely will stay in my fantasies.

I need to write a new poem, and get over it. My poems is how I let myself go, and be free.

If its a broken part replace it
If its a broken arm then brace it
If its a broken heart then face it...
The hold your own, know your name, and go your own way.

The Fisherman

Today was a wonderful day, I pulled an all nighter playing Grand Theft Auto 4. Damn game is too difficult. Well anyways, I was playing that game and my best friend, came out the room and he said, Isiah said he'll be here in 10 minutes, I thought to myself and said, "Who the hell is Isiah?" He said,"The damn church guy." That's when I knew he meant Antonio, a man that I work with. He has been trying to get me to go to his church for months now, and keep telling him I'll go, but I'd call off last moment, it came to the point of when I last work with him he made me right down my last address and he told me, " I'm not even gonna call, I'll just show up at your door, and drag you." That's what he did. He Knocked on my front door, turned off my game, and sat down on the couch as I got ready to go. It was pretty funny.

On the way to church we talked about work, and everything. We get inside the church and all of a sudden I got a giant smile on my face, I felt as if I was lost and sea, and I finally made it to land for the first time in years. I felt at home. There was a man in there preaching today, he was a missionary from South Africa, talking about his story, telling us even though he was raised by hate, and believed in Muslim religion, and didn't have a clue who God was, God still watched over him, protected him, loved him. If you think about it, that's amazing, to have someone who you don't even know watch over you and love you as their child. Later on during the service he asked all people who feel lost, needing something, someone, who ever is missing something in their lives come up to the stage and they'll pray. I was the first person off my seat, usually I'm shy at things like that, I'm never the first person to stand, hell most of the time I won't even get up. This time I did. The Preacher comes up to me first, looks at me and smiles, puts his hand on my head and said, "I'm not going to even act like I know whats going on in your life, or who you are, because I don't, but God does, and he told me to tell you, don't worry about your job, don't worry about your house situation, don't worry about your family, your grand parents, don't worry about your future, give it all up to the lord and all of it will be okay, believe in him to handle it, and all of your problems will be solved. God is the Fisherman, and your his prized fish, he'll catch you and keep you next to him at all times. Just let it all out." At this point I was in tears, on my knees, crying my eyes out. This man right here, just named absolutely EVERYTHING I am having trouble with, everything, things nobody knows that I'm having problems with, he named it all, a man who doesn't even know my first name just summed up all my life problems at the moment. If that's not a miracle, then I don't know what is. What also shocked me was that he said, "God is the Fisherman" Because I was starting to write a poem last night, about a fisherman, but I couldn't finish it, yet he quoted it. I don't know I was amazed. well that's it basically. I'm going back there next Sunday, and I'm dragging my friends there with me. It won't be hard though, since there is nothing but beautiful women there from our age up. My unfinished poem is going to be under here, so please enjoy what I got I don't even think it makes since yet, but enjoy!

A man fishes at sea tell he gets the perfect cast, and catches that perfect fish, he'll remain pleased. A boy will continue fishing and keeps catching more than he needs, until his boat sinks with Greed.

Simperfy Do Or Die. Honor and Respect

Its been a while since I last posted a blog on here. Which is weird since, lately I've been going through a lot. Well the last time I posted a blog was when I first met my father. I've seen him a couple of times since then, and in fact, in a couple of weeks I am going to Denver Colorado to see the rest of my family on his side, I am kind of excited, kind of scared, and I kind of don't care. We'll just see what happens when I get there.

I have a job now at Pavillions. Been working there for 3 months now, I hate this job, but oh well. Money is money.

Also in the past few days, we, as in the world, has had to deal with the death of the Legend, Michael Jackson. This man was the definition of a legend. There never ever was and never ever will be who will come close to the legacy that this man had. This man was music, and his death was a huge loss to all the world. Rest In Paradise Michael Jackson










The main reason of why I am inspired of writing this blog is because for a couple of years now, three to be exact, I've been pondering in my head the option of joining the Marines. As of right now, I honestly believe I should give it a shot. I don't believe I am supposed to be working at a grocery store for the rest of my life, but honestly I don't know what I am supposed to be, or what I want to be anymore. For my whole life practically I thought I will be a football player, coach, or anything that has to do with football, so I made my life football, but it took me a little time to realize that I was chasing the dreams of a child, but now it's time for me to wake up, and walk the life of a man. I'm not at where I thought I'd always be at, yet i don't even know where I'd want to be at right now. I don't even really know who I am yet. My whole life I've just been doing what people wanted me to do, I walked down the path where everyone wanted me to be, I feel like I've been living my life for others, instead of living for myself and I'm tired of it. I dont know why, but I believe that at this point of my life, I believe the road that I'm headed on leads to the military.
I dont know, what I'm saying anymore, I'm just a lost and confused 19 year old boy, living the life of a grown man.

If you got any advice then please give it to me, Lord knows I need it.

Knock Knock It's Daddy.

Well for whoever reads this thing. I haven't been on here in weeks. In those weeks I have had a lot happened to me. The Most important thing is that I finally met my father for the first time in my life. I'm 19 now by the way, and I just met the other half of me. Honestly when I first saw him, I didn't know what to make of my emotions towards him. Part of me hated the fact of him just now showing up in my life, after 19 years, he's just now showed up, after countless years of me wondering 'wheres daddy?' as a child, crying at night when i was a kid, because i thought the reason he isn't in my life was because of me, and now that same man, after all those years of no contact, no messages, or anything was in my home. I was infuriated none the less. Yet the other half of me wants to embrace it, wants me to welcome him with open arms, bring him back in my life, give him the chance to be the father I never had, give him a chance to clear his slate. As you can see I was very confused about my emotions towards this man. So what I did was told him straight up, when he asked me, "Whats going through your head right now?" I simply replied, " I want to hit you, I want to hit you right in the jaw." When i said that he looked at me with a slight grin and then said, "Well if you believe that's what you need to do and that what I deserve, then do it. I mean I'm not going to lie, I deserve for you guys to hate me, I mean there was a certain time when I hated myself for not being in your life, even now there are times when I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror, because every time I do, I see how horribly I treated your mother, and then I see you two, my twin brother and I." Now when a man says something like that, I'm sorry but it's pretty hard to want to punch the man anymore. Moments after that we, my brother my newly found father and I, went to Dennys to sit down and talk some more. Thats when I basically opened up and told him every mixed emotion that I felt about him in the past 19 years, and trust me they were not good emotions. Most of the time he stood there shocked of everything I said, hell even I was shocked about the things I was telling him. Originally I refused to even meet the guy and now im opening up to him.
Finally, I ask him the big final question, why? why did he leave us? why did you abandon your family before we were even born. Why? His reasons for leaving was, from what he said, He was an immature kid, only about 22 at the time but acted like an 18 year old. He didn't have a solid home, he was moving from his car into his parents house back into his car. He had a job that payed him $1200 a month, and he was already paying child support for another kid. He was an alcoholic and had anger issues. In simpler terms, he just wasn't ready to step up to the plate and be a man, is it a solid excuse? I don't think so, but atleast I know now why he left.
He also said that within the two years he realized he made a big mistake on leaving us, and even though that it wasn't his number one goal on his list he still wanted to try and be in our lives.
Then I asked him how come he never attempted on contacting us, how come I never heard from him, he said that he did attempt to contact us, but everytime he tried he was always one apartment complex behind. He said that we moved a lot and it was hard to keep track of where we were going next, but one time he did finally caught up with us, and he found out that my twin brother and I were trying out for football for the first time, so he sent us cleats. I remember that, I was in the third grade.
Basically after hour whole 5 hour conversation, i forgave him. I'm going to give him a shot to make up for the things he did, his mistakes.

Thats the whole father situation. Now I have a new problem... :/


I believe I'm falling for someone that I'm absolutely not supposed to, but I can't help it. I'm trying to make these feelings go away, but I can't. The feeling I get when I think about her Isn't the feeling that I'm supposed to get. These emotions are tanted and I don't know what to. I just need a break. haha...


If I should be so bold I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man but I never said I would I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again
All I really wanna do is love you A kind much closer than friends use But I still can't say it after all we've been through And all I really want from you is to feel me As the feeling inside keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me, If it kills me, If it kills me, I think it might kill me.