Remove Your Pressure From My Lungs, It's Getting Hard To Breathe.

I have been frustrated for a while now, I just have to get a few things off my chest. First off for you who think that you know me, you don't; because honestly, how can you know someone who doesn't know themselves? You can't, so you don't, stop acting like you do. For you who say, I smoke Black and Mild's to look or act cool, then you obviously don't know me, because the last thing I'd do or care about is trying to please people around me. I smoke those because I have a lot of stress in my life that I have went through and still am going through.

For you who do not know this, I lived in the ghetto for most of my life where it wasn't safe to go out at night, where you sleep to gunshots, with cockroaches every night, where your idols, father figures were gang members who taught you how to steal and defend yourself, how to survive. Where everyday was a constant struggle to stay a live. I was abused by my mother from the time i was a kid, tell I was 16 years old, and got kicked out my house. I've been beat with just about anything you can think of, bungee cords, extension wires, pots pans, back end of knives, punched, slapped, scratched, hangars, hell i was tied up in my closet, hands tied unto the hangar rack and got beat like a slave. On top of that, My brother and I were the only father figures my little brother and little sister had in their lives. At the age of four I had to learn how to become a man, cook dinner, change diapers, etc. Mainly because my mother wasn't home, she was always out trying to find a way to bring money home so we can have a place to live. Even then, we were homeless for half of my life. No family to turn to. My Grand parents, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, They all didn't and still don't give a shit about my family. We have always been on our own. There were no fathers in our lives growing up at all. My dad was in Denver, he was an asshole, didn't want to help us out in our need of help. Same thing with my little brothers and sisters father, he was a deadbeat dad. Only came around when he needed help. So the only person to play daddy that was around was my brother and I. My mother was suicidal for a little while, so I didn't know which day we were going to have a mother or not. So sorry if I act like a child now, at the age of 19. I never really had a childhood. Always was too worried about where we were going to live next and how were we going to feed my brothers and sisters to be thinking about a childhood. So I'm trying to live a little now, is that so bad? I'm happy to say I don't live in the ghetto anymore, and my brothers and sisters don't have to grow up the way I did.

Now I live with my best friend who puts me down everyday, he sometime says he's kidding, or he does it because I can handle it, I think it's because he can't cope with the person he's slowly turning himself into, in which to some degree, he agrees. I could careless about what he says because words don't hurt me. Whatever helps him sleep at night, I'm just worried for him, and trying to help him turn from the road his walking. His mother must think I am a retard or something. Just to inform you, in high school, I took an IQ test, to see if i needed to be moved to special classes, and i tested barely below Genius. They said, "With my intelligence level, I should be graduating early, if not graduated already. The only reason why I'm not is because I'm lazy and I just don't give a fuck." Those are the exact words of my principal and counselor, No one knows about this except for my mother, because I'm not too proud of this moment. The point of me telling you this is to obviously point out the fact that I am much smarter than what I get credit for. That's the way I wanted it, back in my younger days. I figured if everyone found out I was smart, I'd lose my popularity. Now I know popularity doesn't mean shit in the real world, and that was a huge mistake I made. I'm not an idiot, I just made a few idiotic mistakes. She just seems too believe I am a complete utter idiot or something, the way she talks down at me, the way she tries to take advantage of my kindness, and my will to help out however much I can. She takes over, about 122 dollars from me a week, and complains on how there's no food, how the bills aren't paid, how we might get evicted. The income coming into this household is over 4,500 dollars a month, our rent is 1,250, electricity is about 250-500 a month, depending on the season, cable 130, gas 20-50. That barely adds up to half of the income in this house. The Majority of the money goes to her. Where the hell does it all go? Who knows, but she tries to place the blame on us 19-20 year old's, and it's really starting to get old, Fast.

My brother, actually with everyone. No matter what I do, I can not get there respect. I kill myself everyday to try and gain their respect. I work myself into the ground, working a job I can't stand, and is really difficult. They look at me as if my job is easy, and I need to do more. I would absolutely love to see them try to go to my work and do my job. They would quit within the first week. Guaranteed. The average someone lasts at my position is 3 weeks. I've been working there for over 5 months. I work 40 hour shifts every week and bust my ass for piece of shit paychecks that I can never spend. I either get asked for all of my money, or it gets stolen from my wallet while I'm sleeping because I just got off of a 9 hour shift. Yet, I don't say a word, because if I do, then everyone will come and attack me. It's just problems I just don't want, so I avoid them.
I'm going into the marines with Brad. No one knows, except for brad. I'd like to keep it that way. I've been wanting to join the marines since I was a kid, I never did because I have always been told that I would be disowned by my family. Now I see that is a big joke. I've been disowned by my family years ago. Nothing more than can do to me then what they already have. My mother and brother is the only family I got.

On top of all this I'm in love with a woman that I'm afraid to tell that I am, because I'm deathly afraid that if I do, she'll never speak to me again, and honestly she is all I have that's good going for me, so I can't lose her so I remain silent. My best friend, Brad, tells me constantly, "It's just because I don't see that many women lately, so I'm going to start falling for the first one that shows me affection. I just need to try not to like her." Look, I don't settle just because, I'm just not that type of person. I tried to stop liking her, and I still try today. It doesn't work. I know she loves me, just not the same way, and I respect her for that. She hardly shows any real affection, we don't hug too long, we don't cuddle, we don't flirt, we don't do things that average best friends do, besides hang out twice a week and be there for one another. When we're in need, we're there. What more can a best friend have? She is a beautiful and intelligent woman. I guess you can say that I look up to her. She is the only 20 year old I know that's embracing becoming a grown up. That knows who she is, exactly what she wants to be, and how to get there, and nobody can get in the way of her goals. She is one the strongest and greatest woman I know. I love her for that.

What I'm trying to say, the whole point of this letter, is don't judge me until you walked a mile in my shoes. Until you know whats going in my life, in my head. I smoke Black and Mild's everyday and drink every weekend to deal with the stress I have from everyday life. People who has been through what I've been through in life are out there doing drugs, meth, cocaine, popping pills, gangs. I just smoke cigars and drink every now and then. I know, that's know excuse, I should just be strong. To you who say that, I have to words for you. Fuck you. Go through what I go through, then say that.
Sorry to spill my heart to you, I just had to let go some emotions out, and feeling in the air.

I guess you can say I'm your average problem child.

Oh yeah by the way, my mother and I have a wonderful relationship now, before it was horrible. Now me and her are wonderful, she apologizes everyday for what she has done to me. I tell her, don't worry about it because of what you did, I'm stronger than most men, I can handle more than what most people can handle. I love her to death, even though I will never do to my kids what she's done to me though. We all know what she did wasn't right, and those mistakes will never happen again.