Simperfy Do Or Die. Honor and Respect

Its been a while since I last posted a blog on here. Which is weird since, lately I've been going through a lot. Well the last time I posted a blog was when I first met my father. I've seen him a couple of times since then, and in fact, in a couple of weeks I am going to Denver Colorado to see the rest of my family on his side, I am kind of excited, kind of scared, and I kind of don't care. We'll just see what happens when I get there.

I have a job now at Pavillions. Been working there for 3 months now, I hate this job, but oh well. Money is money.

Also in the past few days, we, as in the world, has had to deal with the death of the Legend, Michael Jackson. This man was the definition of a legend. There never ever was and never ever will be who will come close to the legacy that this man had. This man was music, and his death was a huge loss to all the world. Rest In Paradise Michael Jackson










The main reason of why I am inspired of writing this blog is because for a couple of years now, three to be exact, I've been pondering in my head the option of joining the Marines. As of right now, I honestly believe I should give it a shot. I don't believe I am supposed to be working at a grocery store for the rest of my life, but honestly I don't know what I am supposed to be, or what I want to be anymore. For my whole life practically I thought I will be a football player, coach, or anything that has to do with football, so I made my life football, but it took me a little time to realize that I was chasing the dreams of a child, but now it's time for me to wake up, and walk the life of a man. I'm not at where I thought I'd always be at, yet i don't even know where I'd want to be at right now. I don't even really know who I am yet. My whole life I've just been doing what people wanted me to do, I walked down the path where everyone wanted me to be, I feel like I've been living my life for others, instead of living for myself and I'm tired of it. I dont know why, but I believe that at this point of my life, I believe the road that I'm headed on leads to the military.
I dont know, what I'm saying anymore, I'm just a lost and confused 19 year old boy, living the life of a grown man.

If you got any advice then please give it to me, Lord knows I need it.

Knock Knock It's Daddy.

Well for whoever reads this thing. I haven't been on here in weeks. In those weeks I have had a lot happened to me. The Most important thing is that I finally met my father for the first time in my life. I'm 19 now by the way, and I just met the other half of me. Honestly when I first saw him, I didn't know what to make of my emotions towards him. Part of me hated the fact of him just now showing up in my life, after 19 years, he's just now showed up, after countless years of me wondering 'wheres daddy?' as a child, crying at night when i was a kid, because i thought the reason he isn't in my life was because of me, and now that same man, after all those years of no contact, no messages, or anything was in my home. I was infuriated none the less. Yet the other half of me wants to embrace it, wants me to welcome him with open arms, bring him back in my life, give him the chance to be the father I never had, give him a chance to clear his slate. As you can see I was very confused about my emotions towards this man. So what I did was told him straight up, when he asked me, "Whats going through your head right now?" I simply replied, " I want to hit you, I want to hit you right in the jaw." When i said that he looked at me with a slight grin and then said, "Well if you believe that's what you need to do and that what I deserve, then do it. I mean I'm not going to lie, I deserve for you guys to hate me, I mean there was a certain time when I hated myself for not being in your life, even now there are times when I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror, because every time I do, I see how horribly I treated your mother, and then I see you two, my twin brother and I." Now when a man says something like that, I'm sorry but it's pretty hard to want to punch the man anymore. Moments after that we, my brother my newly found father and I, went to Dennys to sit down and talk some more. Thats when I basically opened up and told him every mixed emotion that I felt about him in the past 19 years, and trust me they were not good emotions. Most of the time he stood there shocked of everything I said, hell even I was shocked about the things I was telling him. Originally I refused to even meet the guy and now im opening up to him.
Finally, I ask him the big final question, why? why did he leave us? why did you abandon your family before we were even born. Why? His reasons for leaving was, from what he said, He was an immature kid, only about 22 at the time but acted like an 18 year old. He didn't have a solid home, he was moving from his car into his parents house back into his car. He had a job that payed him $1200 a month, and he was already paying child support for another kid. He was an alcoholic and had anger issues. In simpler terms, he just wasn't ready to step up to the plate and be a man, is it a solid excuse? I don't think so, but atleast I know now why he left.
He also said that within the two years he realized he made a big mistake on leaving us, and even though that it wasn't his number one goal on his list he still wanted to try and be in our lives.
Then I asked him how come he never attempted on contacting us, how come I never heard from him, he said that he did attempt to contact us, but everytime he tried he was always one apartment complex behind. He said that we moved a lot and it was hard to keep track of where we were going next, but one time he did finally caught up with us, and he found out that my twin brother and I were trying out for football for the first time, so he sent us cleats. I remember that, I was in the third grade.
Basically after hour whole 5 hour conversation, i forgave him. I'm going to give him a shot to make up for the things he did, his mistakes.

Thats the whole father situation. Now I have a new problem... :/


I believe I'm falling for someone that I'm absolutely not supposed to, but I can't help it. I'm trying to make these feelings go away, but I can't. The feeling I get when I think about her Isn't the feeling that I'm supposed to get. These emotions are tanted and I don't know what to. I just need a break. haha...


If I should be so bold I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man but I never said I would I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again
All I really wanna do is love you A kind much closer than friends use But I still can't say it after all we've been through And all I really want from you is to feel me As the feeling inside keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me, If it kills me, If it kills me, I think it might kill me.

Weekend Warrior.

Well first off I'm happy to say that my friend Cassie is perfectly fine. I spoke to her yesterday, she's at home recovering, and she is doing well. I am unbelievably happy to see/hear that. :)

Also, yesterday I finally came back from Las Vegas. I had a great time staying there at my best friend, Rebecca, house. We rocked out all week, acting out parts of songs and what not every night. Every night we also watched a movie, some great movies like: Garden state, which I loved, and some others which I can't remember. In fact the only bad movie we watched all week was, The Talented Mr. Ripley. I seriously could have gone on the rest of my life without seeing that movie; in fact, my life would have been better if I didn't see it. The movie is just to weird for me, and its giving homosexuals a bad name. No I'm not gay, i just dont have a problem with anyone love another person, no matter the gender. Anyways, I had a great time there with her, having dinner, playing games, putting up puzzles, even driving back was a blast, since we both were rocking out to Paramore in the car for four hours. haha.
We didn't actually get home tell 4:30 a.m. and we left at 11: 45ish.

I didn't fall asleep tell around 5:30 and I woke up at 10:00 because im a insomniac, and well thats just what I do. At about 11:00 a.m. i called my good friend Leann Love Maldonado and asked her if she wanted to hang out. She came and picked me up at 12 and we went to the galleria to try and find a pink dodger jersey for her. While we were there, she told me that she is having boy problems with this guy, my good friend, Jack. Let me tell you something about these two. I don't think I have ever seen two people who are this helplessly inlove with one another and won't admit it. They aren't going out, but they might as well be. It is rare to see one without the other, but they just call themselves "best friends".
Well anyways back to the problem. A random girl at school asked Jack why does he always spend time with Leann, and he simply said, "because she buys me things and she loves him." He made it seem like he uses her. I'm guessing he felt bad that he said that, so he goes and tells Leann. Leann was Appauled on the fact he would say something like that instead of saything the simple answer, "Beacause i love spending time with her." She was pissed off at him, because he always does something to fuck things up, and she is over it. He's been apologizing ever since and telling her he realizes that he loves her and his life isn't anything with out her. She asked me for advise on the situation, me being the sap that I am, I simply told her to forgive him, but tell him not to tell you he loves you, because to her it sounds like he is just throwing the word around without any meaning, because if he really meant those words he will be dying to prove it to her. So she did do exactly what I told her, and he is trying to prove that he loves her. After that conversation I went to her cousins house, did nothing and went home.
Yeah thats basically what my weekend consisted of. I had alot of fun.

"Poetry is man's rebellion against being what he is." ~ James Branch Cabell

Eventually all stars die.

Tonight I was lying in bed with my best friend Rebecca, and we were having our usual talks about random things before we each fall asleep. Tonight, somehow, we ended up on the subject on the fact that I cant cry, that it is nearly impossible for me to cry. She simply said, "Its because you're numb. Eventually something is going to happen to make you cry, to get you off that horrible cycle." Let me remind you, I didn't even cry at my Great Grand Fathers Funeral. The man who took care of me the majority of my child hood.

Allow me to bring you back to two days ago. I wrote a poem called "The Night When The Star Left The Moon." It's about someone you love, that once meant the world to you, dying. Not necessarily death, more like the person changing into something you can barely recognize anymore, It depends on the way you look at it, the way you interpretate it with your life.

The reason why im saying all this is because i found out that my ex girlfriend, that i dated for two years, got hit by an SUV two days ago, around the same time i wrote my poem, and i found out this news hours after Rebecca told me that something would happen, and I would cry.
Well I guess she was write, because the moment I found out, I started crying, and I still am crying even after a couple of hours had past.

I come to find out that her skull is cracked, and her brain is swelling, as well as she has a cuncussion, and other injuries to her head, hip, legs and arms. Her docter said that her condition is getting a lot better and she is recovering well, but she will need therapy, and a good amount of time to heal.
I wish I could be there right now, to be able to help her in her time of need, but I'm not. The most I can do is pray for her, and have others join me in prayer for her safe recovery and her well-being.

No I'm not accusing Rebecca jynxed it in anyway by saying the things she said, and nor did I with my poem I wrote. It was just a weird coinsidence, and a bad turn of fate/luck.

Well i thought i should just share that with you.

By the way heres my poem incase you were wondering. For whoever reads these blogs:

The Night When The Star Left The Moon.

When I stare at the stars Burning so Bright

Without a cloud in sight

It reminds me of the passion

The love that once burned in your eyes

I'd do anything to look into those eyes again

Those eyes that told me everything

Every emotion you kept hidden

Every time your mouth moved i wouldn't listen

But when your eyes shined I payed very close attention

Because when your mouth moved You would say things you wouldn't mean

But when your eyes shined

Then it was something i could believe.

But that was so long agoI was once the moon that shined next to you

So bright, So fullBut like all stars, the fire died

So did the passion, the love, that twinkle in your eyes

Now I'm left to light up the sky at night.

With out you, here, by my side

I have a feeling this night might not be so bright.

Well today so far has been a very interesting day. Well no it hasn't. Its been a very regular day, besides the fact that my best friend Rebecca came back from Vegas for today and tomorrow. Hopefully she and I will hang out all day. For some reason every time I'm with her I'm happy, so as you can tell I love being with her, and I'm happy she is moving back.
Ahh I love my Beck. :)
Well any ways, I'm leaving with her tomorrow to help her pack, and hang out for a while. We wont be back tell sometime this weekend. I know as always, whenever I'm with Rebecca it will be a blast. I cant wait I'm excited!!





You took my heart from me, you took my soul, you took the anything and everything from my world.